As a child I always knew I wanted to be someone special. I wanted to be famous, or someone people could count on the change the world. I knew I would use words to do that. I loved writing stories, bringing my imagination to life.
One summer while traveling, my moms and I stopped at a gas station in Kentucky. I walked through the store inadvertently leaving my fingerprint on almost every item in plain sight. We stood at the counter and I glanced to my right noticing a shelf with hundreds of tiny glasses on it. I picked up the first one I could reach and it read,”Alcohol, because no great story started with someone eating a salad!”
I knew at that moment words and liquor would play a big part in my success. You could say I did my best in working towards my dream of being famous. I mean, I was arrested a few times for public intoxication.
Cameron Diaz bumped into me at a coffee shop. She apologized. I flipped her off and called her a weirdo! I even threw a packaged brownie at her calling her,”FOREHEAD” as she walked away! It was a big moment for me.
Of course there was the thing with of chasing Kathy Bates up Hollywood Hill chanting,”MI-SE-RY, MI-SE-RY” from a $20 tour bus. I presumed I was on the right track.
I want to be famous but so far the only notoriety I have is a picture hanging on the wall of a bar I’ve been banned from and a lengthy record of drunken arrest. My father, who claims to have been converted but still smokes crack, invited me to church. I went and because I shouted ,”BOOOOOO” when the pastor said sex before marriage is a sin, they suggested I find another place to worship. I did. The Liquor Store across the street has plenty of spirits to choose from.
The other day I felt like I hit rock bottom when I got into an argument with my neighbor Ms. Janice. Every Thursday we hang out on her balcony, have a few beers and talk about shit she steals from her grandson’s house when she goes to visit. This time she found his stash and I thought we were about to roll-up and kick back , but Janice wanted to share with her backgammon friends and I was not having it.
“Give it up you old dirt bag! I want my cut or I’m calling Ben!’ I couldn’t believe Ms. Janice screamed at me, Ah, Screw you snitch! Where I’m from Rats don’t live long ,so watch it Bitch!’ She snatched the papers out of my hand and walked away. I wanted to tackle her but I’m trying to be a better person and the last bit of publicity I need is to make headlines for body slamming the elderly. The old me would’ve taken her down!
I decided it would be best if I went home and try to reset my life so that I might find my path to becoming positively famous. The next day I was arrested for assault! Ms. Janice came to my door with the shit. I told her to leave me alone! I’m Famous Now!!!